Self-Delusion

Well I guess I set myself up for this one (see last post). I've felt like I was on the verge of something... This has been a very interesting couple of days.

Long story short: I am an alcoholic.

See?? The word doesn't sit well with me either! and trust me, its just as hard to write it as say it out loud. After many self-assessment quizzes online (yes I am that dork) I couldn't find ONE to tell me what I wanted to hear. That I was ok: a self-controlled, fun-loving social drinker. I watch Intervention-THOSE people are alcoholics. Then I found a site that talks about 5 different types of alcoholics: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/alcohol-abuse/news/20070629/5-alcoholic-types-in-alcoholism-study It turns out fit a couple of those categories. The people on TV fit just the one "chronic severe" category. wow.

So how did I come to this conclusion? Or better yet how did this conversation even start? Well, my husband and I have had this particular conversation many times actually. He fits in the same alcoholic categories that I do and conveniently we enable eachother. The weird part is that we can go days, weeks and even months without drinking so we've never considered the label alcoholic for ourselves. Alcoholics drink every day and can't stop. They lose friends, jobs and end up homeless. That is certainly not us. We are responsible, hard-working and show no outward appearance of an inward malfunction. But this is where we've deluded ourselves. If the TRUTH were told we would both admit that many if not most our marital and personal struggles stem from a problem with alcohol.

Here is where the self-delusion sets in. If you knew us (and maybe you did) when we first got together over ten years ago you would know just how far we have come. God has truly blessed us and saved us from ourselves many times. Together we've grown spiritually and emotionally. When we met we were both so lost and far from God. Slowly and simultaneously God has changed our hearts. We are completely different people now, but miraculously we have stayed in love. So when I play the comparison game with my younger self I am delusioned to think that I am a good person with little else to work on. ha.

So back to where it began...this weekend after a phenomenal message on "Illusions" Keenan asked me if I thought God was asking me to stop drinking. (This is the same guy that introduced me to drugs and alcohol over ten years ago!!) Knowing that God has blessed my husband with the annoying gift of exhortation, and that as his wife I am submitted to him and his authority I thanked him for his wisdom and agreed to not ever drink again. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. I became furious! My reaction startled both of us. Don't bring God into this!! This is my non-issue. I like drinking. I have it under control. I can stop whenever I want. I'm not ready to stop." I didn't answer the question. Do I think God is asking me to stop drinking? "Perhaps now I do!!" Dammit Keenan. It wasn't until later when I realized just why I was so upset. I understand fully what it means to suffer the consequences of disobedience. I have suffered emotionally AND physically from blatantly disregarding the voice of God (some call it a conscience I call it The Spirit). To make things worse, the suffering I have endured was brought about by substance abuse. This situation is crazily similar except that I am slightly wiser now from the hard lesson learned. No wonder I'm mad! I have to stop drinking. It could turn into a serious problem or worse- a serious lesson from God.

So why does the task at hand seem so daunting? I've always envied people who don't drink, "Good for them. I could NEVER do that". But why? What is in me that wants to protect my right to drink? What am I escaping from? hiding? stifling? I honestly don't know. All I can do now is obey. Maybe through the Bible, friends, therapy and time I 'll figure it out. And then I'll blog about it. :)

I've prayed for a long time for God to take away any desire in me for alcohol because (here's the answer to the original question) He has asked me to stop. And then my husband reminded me that there is a difference between asking God to take something and laying it The Cross. One is passive and one is active. He is requiring my action. My decision. My surrender. My move. Here goes...

-Alcoholic (No Longer)Anonymous