So by now you already know how God has blessed me recently...we are expecting baby #2!! We are so excited about this miracle. We know it was a direct blessing from God-Him loving us in a tangible way. And we are beyond thankful. He didn't have to bless us- I don't believe in a vending maching God: you throw up a prayer-he answers, you listen and obey-he gives you a blessing. God didn't deepen my faith by blessing us with this baby-he just chose to love me that way-and it makes me smile.
The biggest way that God has blessed me in my adult life is with friends. I have more friends today than I ever had growing up in highschool or college. Not just people I know on a first name basis-I have friends who love me and who are on the journey with me-to fight for my heart. If you don't have friends like that you are missing out on a key componenet to life-connection. We were meant to do life together-not in isolation. Real friends know the real you and love the real you. The obvious first step to making friends like this is to BE the real you-which can be hard for a lot of people. When you get there it is exhilirating...freeing... easy.
I had lunch with a friend the other day who told me that God spoke to her about me. He told her that He is in the business of healing-restoring-just like he healed my womb. :) She was as excited to share that with me as I was to hear it. Do you have friend like that? If you don't-it is my prayer that you will. There was God loving me again. I can't help but smile (and tear up a bit).
As complicated as I have tried to make life, I am finally understanding that the answer to the universe (if you will) is simple. L-O-V-E. Thats it. We love because he first loved us. He continues to love us so we will have the capacity to love. When we love our hearts are mysteriously filled with more love. Yeah I might sound like I need drive an old beetle, smoke some ganja and throw up a peace sign every now and then-but I'm serious. We have been called to love. One commandment. Its not that complicated. I am so thankful that God is still loving me in tangible and in unseen ways.
I'm feelin' the love. :)
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Make Yourself Necessary
So seriously this past month has probably been the best month of my life. I know- its a pretty bold statement, but I really can't think of a time in my life when I was happier. Its not all about quitting drinking (see previous posts) but I do think that that decision propelled me into clarity. First of all I believe with all my heart that God has blessed every part of my life since that one act of obedience June 8th of this year. I am living guilt-free. There is nothing in my life that I am shameful for, or embarassed of. There is not part of my story that I woudn't share with the world. I feel plugged into life. More like clocked-in really. I wake up each day ready for any job God wants me to do. Whether its calling a friend, investing in a family member or just performing the perfunctory duties of being a mom and housewife-I'm ready. And I do it gladly, joyfully, thankfully.
Every day I feel like my world (Bonnie's world) gets smaller and smaller, yet somehow more and more significant. I saw the greatest t-shirt while running the Peachtree Road Race this year-On the back it said "Make Yourself Necessary". I like that. Make yourself necessary-to your family, to your friends, to your world. What are you doing to make yourself necessary? What are you doing thats important? What is important to you? I know that the things that were important to me 10 years ago are pretty unimportant to me now. I like who I am becoming. The first part of my life has been a process of elimination-figuring out things I don't like-stopping things. The rest will be about choosing things. Choosing to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodnesss, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When those things shape your life-you are alive and very necessary.
Every day I feel like my world (Bonnie's world) gets smaller and smaller, yet somehow more and more significant. I saw the greatest t-shirt while running the Peachtree Road Race this year-On the back it said "Make Yourself Necessary". I like that. Make yourself necessary-to your family, to your friends, to your world. What are you doing to make yourself necessary? What are you doing thats important? What is important to you? I know that the things that were important to me 10 years ago are pretty unimportant to me now. I like who I am becoming. The first part of my life has been a process of elimination-figuring out things I don't like-stopping things. The rest will be about choosing things. Choosing to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodnesss, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When those things shape your life-you are alive and very necessary.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Self-Delusion
Well I guess I set myself up for this one (see last post). I've felt like I was on the verge of something... This has been a very interesting couple of days.
Long story short: I am an alcoholic.
See?? The word doesn't sit well with me either! and trust me, its just as hard to write it as say it out loud. After many self-assessment quizzes online (yes I am that dork) I couldn't find ONE to tell me what I wanted to hear. That I was ok: a self-controlled, fun-loving social drinker. I watch Intervention-THOSE people are alcoholics. Then I found a site that talks about 5 different types of alcoholics: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/alcohol-abuse/news/20070629/5-alcoholic-types-in-alcoholism-study It turns out fit a couple of those categories. The people on TV fit just the one "chronic severe" category. wow.
So how did I come to this conclusion? Or better yet how did this conversation even start? Well, my husband and I have had this particular conversation many times actually. He fits in the same alcoholic categories that I do and conveniently we enable eachother. The weird part is that we can go days, weeks and even months without drinking so we've never considered the label alcoholic for ourselves. Alcoholics drink every day and can't stop. They lose friends, jobs and end up homeless. That is certainly not us. We are responsible, hard-working and show no outward appearance of an inward malfunction. But this is where we've deluded ourselves. If the TRUTH were told we would both admit that many if not most our marital and personal struggles stem from a problem with alcohol.
Here is where the self-delusion sets in. If you knew us (and maybe you did) when we first got together over ten years ago you would know just how far we have come. God has truly blessed us and saved us from ourselves many times. Together we've grown spiritually and emotionally. When we met we were both so lost and far from God. Slowly and simultaneously God has changed our hearts. We are completely different people now, but miraculously we have stayed in love. So when I play the comparison game with my younger self I am delusioned to think that I am a good person with little else to work on. ha.
So back to where it began...this weekend after a phenomenal message on "Illusions" Keenan asked me if I thought God was asking me to stop drinking. (This is the same guy that introduced me to drugs and alcohol over ten years ago!!) Knowing that God has blessed my husband with the annoying gift of exhortation, and that as his wife I am submitted to him and his authority I thanked him for his wisdom and agreed to not ever drink again. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. I became furious! My reaction startled both of us. Don't bring God into this!! This is my non-issue. I like drinking. I have it under control. I can stop whenever I want. I'm not ready to stop." I didn't answer the question. Do I think God is asking me to stop drinking? "Perhaps now I do!!" Dammit Keenan. It wasn't until later when I realized just why I was so upset. I understand fully what it means to suffer the consequences of disobedience. I have suffered emotionally AND physically from blatantly disregarding the voice of God (some call it a conscience I call it The Spirit). To make things worse, the suffering I have endured was brought about by substance abuse. This situation is crazily similar except that I am slightly wiser now from the hard lesson learned. No wonder I'm mad! I have to stop drinking. It could turn into a serious problem or worse- a serious lesson from God.
So why does the task at hand seem so daunting? I've always envied people who don't drink, "Good for them. I could NEVER do that". But why? What is in me that wants to protect my right to drink? What am I escaping from? hiding? stifling? I honestly don't know. All I can do now is obey. Maybe through the Bible, friends, therapy and time I 'll figure it out. And then I'll blog about it. :)
I've prayed for a long time for God to take away any desire in me for alcohol because (here's the answer to the original question) He has asked me to stop. And then my husband reminded me that there is a difference between asking God to take something and laying it The Cross. One is passive and one is active. He is requiring my action. My decision. My surrender. My move. Here goes...
-Alcoholic (No Longer)Anonymous
Long story short: I am an alcoholic.
See?? The word doesn't sit well with me either! and trust me, its just as hard to write it as say it out loud. After many self-assessment quizzes online (yes I am that dork) I couldn't find ONE to tell me what I wanted to hear. That I was ok: a self-controlled, fun-loving social drinker. I watch Intervention-THOSE people are alcoholics. Then I found a site that talks about 5 different types of alcoholics: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/alcohol-abuse/news/20070629/5-alcoholic-types-in-alcoholism-study It turns out fit a couple of those categories. The people on TV fit just the one "chronic severe" category. wow.
So how did I come to this conclusion? Or better yet how did this conversation even start? Well, my husband and I have had this particular conversation many times actually. He fits in the same alcoholic categories that I do and conveniently we enable eachother. The weird part is that we can go days, weeks and even months without drinking so we've never considered the label alcoholic for ourselves. Alcoholics drink every day and can't stop. They lose friends, jobs and end up homeless. That is certainly not us. We are responsible, hard-working and show no outward appearance of an inward malfunction. But this is where we've deluded ourselves. If the TRUTH were told we would both admit that many if not most our marital and personal struggles stem from a problem with alcohol.
Here is where the self-delusion sets in. If you knew us (and maybe you did) when we first got together over ten years ago you would know just how far we have come. God has truly blessed us and saved us from ourselves many times. Together we've grown spiritually and emotionally. When we met we were both so lost and far from God. Slowly and simultaneously God has changed our hearts. We are completely different people now, but miraculously we have stayed in love. So when I play the comparison game with my younger self I am delusioned to think that I am a good person with little else to work on. ha.
So back to where it began...this weekend after a phenomenal message on "Illusions" Keenan asked me if I thought God was asking me to stop drinking. (This is the same guy that introduced me to drugs and alcohol over ten years ago!!) Knowing that God has blessed my husband with the annoying gift of exhortation, and that as his wife I am submitted to him and his authority I thanked him for his wisdom and agreed to not ever drink again. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. I became furious! My reaction startled both of us. Don't bring God into this!! This is my non-issue. I like drinking. I have it under control. I can stop whenever I want. I'm not ready to stop." I didn't answer the question. Do I think God is asking me to stop drinking? "Perhaps now I do!!" Dammit Keenan. It wasn't until later when I realized just why I was so upset. I understand fully what it means to suffer the consequences of disobedience. I have suffered emotionally AND physically from blatantly disregarding the voice of God (some call it a conscience I call it The Spirit). To make things worse, the suffering I have endured was brought about by substance abuse. This situation is crazily similar except that I am slightly wiser now from the hard lesson learned. No wonder I'm mad! I have to stop drinking. It could turn into a serious problem or worse- a serious lesson from God.
So why does the task at hand seem so daunting? I've always envied people who don't drink, "Good for them. I could NEVER do that". But why? What is in me that wants to protect my right to drink? What am I escaping from? hiding? stifling? I honestly don't know. All I can do now is obey. Maybe through the Bible, friends, therapy and time I 'll figure it out. And then I'll blog about it. :)
I've prayed for a long time for God to take away any desire in me for alcohol because (here's the answer to the original question) He has asked me to stop. And then my husband reminded me that there is a difference between asking God to take something and laying it The Cross. One is passive and one is active. He is requiring my action. My decision. My surrender. My move. Here goes...
-Alcoholic (No Longer)Anonymous
Sunday, May 31, 2009
What is it about myself that makes me quit while I'm ahead? I'm on the verge of something good and then I self-sabotage. I have great ideas, but rarely any follow through. I feel like Mitch Hedberg when he said, "I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."
I subconsciously convince myself that my idea isn't a good one, or I can't do it. Why is that?? It disgusts me. Am I lazy? Is it an attack? Lately I've felt that is is the latter. I feel like when I'm doing well and in God's will I suddenly become fearful. Anxious. Worried. I've been taught that these feelings are not from God. So maybe I am being attacked...
I guess admitting it is half the battle right? "Hi. My name is Bonnie and I am addicted to anxiety." I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I've come a long way already for those of you who know my story. I come from a legacy of highly talented and tormented individuals. I know I have a lot to offer. My soul aches with desire to love recklessly, give abundantly and make the world better. At least my world anyway.
I am very aware that my time on this earth is temporary and not about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting God's time. I'm thirty years old and I haven't done anything BIG. Then I am reminded that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was thirty. And then it ended when he was thirty-three. Even Jesus needed prep time. Maybe God doesn't care how long it takes us to "get it" before we "get going" on what he's called us to do. hmmm.
I feel like I'm on verge of something...
I subconsciously convince myself that my idea isn't a good one, or I can't do it. Why is that?? It disgusts me. Am I lazy? Is it an attack? Lately I've felt that is is the latter. I feel like when I'm doing well and in God's will I suddenly become fearful. Anxious. Worried. I've been taught that these feelings are not from God. So maybe I am being attacked...
I guess admitting it is half the battle right? "Hi. My name is Bonnie and I am addicted to anxiety." I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I've come a long way already for those of you who know my story. I come from a legacy of highly talented and tormented individuals. I know I have a lot to offer. My soul aches with desire to love recklessly, give abundantly and make the world better. At least my world anyway.
I am very aware that my time on this earth is temporary and not about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting God's time. I'm thirty years old and I haven't done anything BIG. Then I am reminded that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was thirty. And then it ended when he was thirty-three. Even Jesus needed prep time. Maybe God doesn't care how long it takes us to "get it" before we "get going" on what he's called us to do. hmmm.
I feel like I'm on verge of something...
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