Wow. Its been a long time since I've blogged. It's not that I have nothing to say... I just don't have time to say it (see clarkcrew blog!) Andre is now 2 1/2 and Selah is almost 8 months old. I have been blessed to be able to stay home with these little people and it has been quite a ride. I LOVE MY KIDS-but...sometimes I feel like I don't have the mommy gene that some are just born with.
My mother is an angel. Her name should have been Patience because she has boat loads of it. She never seemed irratated when I burst in the door of her home office after school to gab her ear off about highschool nonsense. She happily listened to me play all 8 overtures on my flute after band practice stopping only to vocally fill-in the trumpet part...and the tuba...and the drum...you get the point. She seemed to love being a mother and the result: I grew up feeling loved.
My mother-in-law also is a saint. The oldest in a very large family, she's been "mothering" all of her life. Now with 10 grandchildren and 2 great-grands, this woman finds no greater joy than playing with, cooking for, cleaning up after all of her children. Even now she says she would do anything to go back to when her kids were little! Like my mother, she overflows with patience and joy when dealing with her "babies".
So when I compare myself to these to mothers I come up terribly short. I will say again that I love my kids. I call Andre my "Answer to Prayer" because we tried so long to conceive him, and Selah is "My Blessing" because we weren't expecting her but we were SO happy when we learned we were pregnant again-without "trying". But there are some days when I feel I have almost NO patience with them-and they are good kids! What is wrong with me? Why can't I lovingly attend to their every need with a smile on my face? Why is my first thought in the morning after I'm awakened by one or more of my little human alarm clocks, "Is this really my life?". I shuffle through my perfunctory duties-cook, clean, change diapers, clean, laundry, cook, clean, change diapers, etc. and well it sucks most of the time. Its not that I mind cooking or cleaning its that I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. There have been times when I felt so overwhelmed that I just close my eyes and wish MY mom would come rescue me. Sounds bad doesn't it?
Don't get me wrong- I have wonderful moments with my children daily. Times when I have them both laughing, times when they are snuggly, times when we're dancing, times when we're reading a book or saying a prayer and Andre says, "I. love. Mommy. " Oh my heart just melts and I whisper my thankfulness to God. But the reality is that is about 20% of the time ( and I think I'm being generous) the other 80% is hard-freakin-work and not fun. But I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Some mothers seem to effortlessly float motherhood, welcoming every opportunity to serve their children.
Why do I have such a hard time accepting that this is my role? I don't like to pick up messes that I didn't create. I don't like repeating myself over and over only to be ignored by someone half my size. And I definitely don't like being denied the freedom to "run to the store" because the very thought of loading up to kids in the car, and packing an arsenal of snacks and toys makes me anxious. Previously a morning person, I don't like to be told by the shrill cry of an infant that its time to get up. Maybe you can see it already. I, I, I.....am selfish. I didn't realize I was selfish until I had kids, but then again before I had kids IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME. I only picked up after myself, I could come and go when I pleased, I could stay out past 9:00pm, sleep past 7:00am and when I didn't feel like cooking I hopped in the car and went to a restaurant. I no longer have these freedoms and something deep inside of me is not happy about that.
I had this revelation about myself on our first family vacation since Selah a couple of weeks ago. A say "vacation", but those of you with kids know thats not really what a trip like this should be called- to borrow from Modern Family: it was a business trip. The condo was beautiful, the weather was perfect and Andre loved the beach-but the "fun times" were about 15% (of which we have amazing pictures) and the other 85% was driving, cleaning, cooking, changing swimmy diapers, finding food,trying to coax 2 kids to take naps and sleep in a different environment etc. Sporadically, Keenan and I would look at eachother and our expressions said it all, "Is this our vacation?!"
We talked about our life BC (before children) and we both agreed that we were completely self absorbed. I was the center of attention for as long as I can remember. I sang on stage any chance I got, I was in drama, band, choir, on a weightlifting team, and Junior and Senior class President. I moved to Atlanta to go to Georgia Tech, continued to sing and compete in weightlifting until my boyfriend got me involved in bodybuilding. Yep-I pretty muched loved being the center of attention. I started to have a much more realistic view of myself in my graduating semester at GT. I was one month away from receiving my BS in Business Management when I realized thats exactly what it was Bull$#1t. I have no talent or interest in Business Management. I worked a couple of jobs, married the man of my life, and eventually got pregnant.
Being a mother is the most rewarding job I have ever had. I know that raising my kids is the most important thing I'll ever do in my life and that makes my spirit smile, but I'm still disappointed in myself. I can go from patient to perturbed in 5 seconds flat. From loving to harsh. From calm to infuriated. I realize now that its because my world has stopped revolving around me, and now revolves around these little ones. Its their turn now. On one hand I'm thrilled to be a part of my children's lives: helping them discover who God wants them to be. On the other hand I wonder -have I discovered that for myself yet? The stage lights have faded, the applause has died down, and I'm standing in the shadows thinking, "Wait. What is my purpose on this earth?" If it is to be a mom then why am I not a fantastic mom? Why do I lose my patience? Why can't I be like my mom or Keenan's? Maybe its because they have never desired the spotlight. Our mother's have been satisfied to be in the background and remain the backbone of the family.
So where do I go from here? How do I use this revelation to be a better mom? How do I get "un-selfish"? I guess I'll have to wait and see. uh oh-I'm not good at that either.
