What is it about myself that makes me quit while I'm ahead? I'm on the verge of something good and then I self-sabotage. I have great ideas, but rarely any follow through. I feel like Mitch Hedberg when he said, "I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."

I subconsciously convince myself that my idea isn't a good one, or I can't do it. Why is that?? It disgusts me. Am I lazy? Is it an attack? Lately I've felt that is is the latter. I feel like when I'm doing well and in God's will I suddenly become fearful. Anxious. Worried. I've been taught that these feelings are not from God. So maybe I am being attacked...

I guess admitting it is half the battle right? "Hi. My name is Bonnie and I am addicted to anxiety." I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I've come a long way already for those of you who know my story. I come from a legacy of highly talented and tormented individuals. I know I have a lot to offer. My soul aches with desire to love recklessly, give abundantly and make the world better. At least my world anyway.

I am very aware that my time on this earth is temporary and not about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting God's time. I'm thirty years old and I haven't done anything BIG. Then I am reminded that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was thirty. And then it ended when he was thirty-three. Even Jesus needed prep time. Maybe God doesn't care how long it takes us to "get it" before we "get going" on what he's called us to do. hmmm.

I feel like I'm on verge of something...