Amera's Birth Story

The morning of November 26th I noticed things were changing. My due date was in two days on the 28th. I had mild contractions throughout the day and I thought, "This is good. The more work my body does leading up to labor the less I'll have to do when it happens." I prayed that I would go into labor in the morning after a good nights rest but I should have known better...I went into labor at 6pm with both Andre and Selah. At 6pm I was Christmas shopping with Keenan at Target. I was having one to two contractions an hour and waddling around the store while people gave me sympathetic/concerned looks. (I stopped getting the what-a-cute-pregnant-girl looks over a month before) I wondered of they could tell I was in labor. When we left the store I remember looking at the beautiful sunset and commenting to Keenan that this may be the last time I see the sun before Amera is born. (Maureen, my doula/photographer/best friend/cheerleader took this picture of the sky that night-maybe while I was looking too.)

My mom was already at my house watching the kids while Keenan and I were shopping. When we got home I told her that I thought "this was it". She was excited and helped me put the kids to bed. It was emotional kissing them and knowing that their little lives would be forever changed when they woke up. Looking back it was so primal and perfect that I went into labor at night. My kids were asleep and it was a quiet, safe time to give birth. My mom helped me time my contractions around 9:00. Then the dreaded call. To my midwife. Dreaded because I'm not sure if I'm terrible at timing contractions or if I'm just regularly irregular but it was like de-ja-vous when Charlotte (my midwife) told me that my contractions should be a little longer and to call her back in a half hour. Same thing happened with the other two! In the meantime she said to fill the birth tub. This is when my hero-I mean husband saved me (the first time that night). He called Charlotte back and told her to come immediately. He recognized all the signs by now and was afraid that if she waited too long he was going to have to deliver the baby himself.

Maureen came over right away and filled the room with joy. Even though she isn't a trained doula-I had asked her to be with me during the birth because she's passionate about birth, has had 2 natural deliveries herself, and is a dear friend that I love. My Mom, who had been a little nervous at the births of my other kids was surprisingly calm and amazingly supportive-especially since her baby was having a home birth! Between Maureen and my Mom and Keenan, I had the perfect birthing trio to help me. They were filling me with love and positive energy. Charlotte arrived around 10:15 and upon hearing that my contractions were longer and closer together she went into warp speed setting up for the birth.

I was managing my contractions pretty well up until that point- but I was looking forward to getting in the birthing tub. I was breathing, praying, listening to my music and speaking positive affirmations. I kept saying, "This is going to be fast" and "Open up." Charlotte told me I could get in the water at 5cm and when she checked me around 10:45 I was 5cm! I was so excited! I labored in the hospital tub with Selah and it was SO much better than my labor (terrible, long story) with Andre. The tub was a bit dissapointing because the water wasn't very warm. I crawled in and got on my knees with my head hanging over the edge of the tub. (This was not premeditated-it was the position my body wanted to be in at the time) I was only slightly distracted by the temperature of the water because all of a sudden I had a huge contraction. I wasn't able to breathe through it and I remember thinking, "Wow. This shouldn't be this hard already". That is when I looked up and into Keenan's eyes. They are a beautiful ocean green color. Looking into his eyes made me feel calm, so I decided to stare into his eyes during every contraction.

The calm definitely preceeded the storm because another hard contraction hit me and it was all I could do to stare in his eyes. When it was over I remember telling myself to completely relax every muscle in my body. I like this picture because it was, believe it or not, the hardest part of my labor. I felt in control and on another planet all at the same time. Later Keenan told me that although I was looking in his eyes, it seemed that I was looking straight through him. He kept telling me he loved me and he was proud of me. We kissed a couple of times. The third (or maybe fourth) hard contraction hit and suddenly I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. Yes, I've heard that when you feel like you have to go to the bathroom its time to push, but I REALLY thought I had to go to the bathroom-number 1, 2 3 and 4! I had only been in the tub 15 minutes! I told Charlotte I had to go, and I started getting out of the tub. I didn't feel an urge to push-I felt an obligation! She told me to NOT get out of the tub until she checked me and I remember thinking, "Something is about to come out and there is nothing I can do about it."

Then I felt her head come out. I knew what it was but I couldn't believe it. Wasn't I just 5 cm 15 miniutes ago?! Charlotte told me her head was a turning a little blue and to go ahead and push her out. So I did. I didn't make a sound during the pushing-so no one but me and Charlotte knew she was out. Her hand was beside her head, "on the phone" as Charlotte described it, and the cord was wrapped around her neck,torso and leg. Keenan help turn me over so she could get a better look and she quickly untangled her while she floated in the water. Thanks to my mom I have video of this part-it is absolutely amazing.

When Charlotte pulled her out of the water and gave her to me she was crying, and everyone cheered and gasped in amazement. It happened so fast! Amera Elizabeth was born at 11:00pm.

I was still on another planet as I held my new daughter for the first time. I didn't cry or even speak. My heart was filled with joy, love and relief as I kissed the top of her head. Keenan said, "You did it baby", and I rested my head on the edge of the tub. I did it. She was here and she was perfect.

Keenan cut the cord, and I held my baby-trying to process everything in my head. I couldn't believe how everything happened and that it was over. Charlotte and her assistant helped me into my bed and checked Amera over. Both of us were good.

It was an amazing feeling to be in my bed, skin to skin with my new baby. In the hospital they would have taken her away to check, bathe, weigh her etc. I got to hold my baby immediately and for as long as I wanted. Keenan got in the bed with us and it was such a special moment for me to be with my husband and welcome our new daughter into our lives and into our home. Another special moment was when Andre and Selah woke up the next morning and got to meet their new little sister.

I know that home-birth isn't for everyone, but it was the right decision for our family, and I will forever treasure the memory. I truly believe that birth is transformative for a woman. I feel like I was re-born with the birth of each of my children. Through each experience (one bad hospital experience, one good hospital experience and one home birth), I have learned so much. I've learned that while childbirth may not be pain free-it can be fear free. I've learned that toughness gets you no where, you have to surrender. I've learned that God created an amazing body and a powerful mind. Childbirth has made me more confident in myself as a woman, wife and mother. I hope that every woman can experience birth the way she wants to, so she can carry the memories in heart as a gift. When I watched Amera's birth video for the first time I noticed that the song Blackbird sung by Sarah McLachlan was playing when she was born. I have a feeling Amera will hear that song often when I sing to her at night..."all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise."

Selah's First Vacation

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So THATS whats wrong with me!

Wow. Its been a long time since I've blogged. It's not that I have nothing to say... I just don't have time to say it (see clarkcrew blog!) Andre is now 2 1/2 and Selah is almost 8 months old. I have been blessed to be able to stay home with these little people and it has been quite a ride. I LOVE MY KIDS-but...sometimes I feel like I don't have the mommy gene that some are just born with.


My mother is an angel. Her name should have been Patience because she has boat loads of it. She never seemed irratated when I burst in the door of her home office after school to gab her ear off about highschool nonsense. She happily listened to me play all 8 overtures on my flute after band practice stopping only to vocally fill-in the trumpet part...and the tuba...and the drum...you get the point. She seemed to love being a mother and the result: I grew up feeling loved.


My mother-in-law also is a saint. The oldest in a very large family, she's been "mothering" all of her life. Now with 10 grandchildren and 2 great-grands, this woman finds no greater joy than playing with, cooking for, cleaning up after all of her children. Even now she says she would do anything to go back to when her kids were little! Like my mother, she overflows with patience and joy when dealing with her "babies".


So when I compare myself to these to mothers I come up terribly short. I will say again that I love my kids. I call Andre my "Answer to Prayer" because we tried so long to conceive him, and Selah is "My Blessing" because we weren't expecting her but we were SO happy when we learned we were pregnant again-without "trying". But there are some days when I feel I have almost NO patience with them-and they are good kids! What is wrong with me? Why can't I lovingly attend to their every need with a smile on my face? Why is my first thought in the morning after I'm awakened by one or more of my little human alarm clocks, "Is this really my life?". I shuffle through my perfunctory duties-cook, clean, change diapers, clean, laundry, cook, clean, change diapers, etc. and well it sucks most of the time. Its not that I mind cooking or cleaning its that I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. There have been times when I felt so overwhelmed that I just close my eyes and wish MY mom would come rescue me. Sounds bad doesn't it?


Don't get me wrong- I have wonderful moments with my children daily. Times when I have them both laughing, times when they are snuggly, times when we're dancing, times when we're reading a book or saying a prayer and Andre says, "I. love. Mommy. " Oh my heart just melts and I whisper my thankfulness to God. But the reality is that is about 20% of the time ( and I think I'm being generous) the other 80% is hard-freakin-work and not fun. But I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Some mothers seem to effortlessly float motherhood, welcoming every opportunity to serve their children.


Why do I have such a hard time accepting that this is my role? I don't like to pick up messes that I didn't create. I don't like repeating myself over and over only to be ignored by someone half my size. And I definitely don't like being denied the freedom to "run to the store" because the very thought of loading up to kids in the car, and packing an arsenal of snacks and toys makes me anxious. Previously a morning person, I don't like to be told by the shrill cry of an infant that its time to get up. Maybe you can see it already. I, I, I.....am selfish. I didn't realize I was selfish until I had kids, but then again before I had kids IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME. I only picked up after myself, I could come and go when I pleased, I could stay out past 9:00pm, sleep past 7:00am and when I didn't feel like cooking I hopped in the car and went to a restaurant. I no longer have these freedoms and something deep inside of me is not happy about that.


I had this revelation about myself on our first family vacation since Selah a couple of weeks ago. A say "vacation", but those of you with kids know thats not really what a trip like this should be called- to borrow from Modern Family: it was a business trip. The condo was beautiful, the weather was perfect and Andre loved the beach-but the "fun times" were about 15% (of which we have amazing pictures) and the other 85% was driving, cleaning, cooking, changing swimmy diapers, finding food,trying to coax 2 kids to take naps and sleep in a different environment etc. Sporadically, Keenan and I would look at eachother and our expressions said it all, "Is this our vacation?!"


We talked about our life BC (before children) and we both agreed that we were completely self absorbed. I was the center of attention for as long as I can remember. I sang on stage any chance I got, I was in drama, band, choir, on a weightlifting team, and Junior and Senior class President. I moved to Atlanta to go to Georgia Tech, continued to sing and compete in weightlifting until my boyfriend got me involved in bodybuilding. Yep-I pretty muched loved being the center of attention. I started to have a much more realistic view of myself in my graduating semester at GT. I was one month away from receiving my BS in Business Management when I realized thats exactly what it was Bull$#1t. I have no talent or interest in Business Management. I worked a couple of jobs, married the man of my life, and eventually got pregnant.


Being a mother is the most rewarding job I have ever had. I know that raising my kids is the most important thing I'll ever do in my life and that makes my spirit smile, but I'm still disappointed in myself. I can go from patient to perturbed in 5 seconds flat. From loving to harsh. From calm to infuriated. I realize now that its because my world has stopped revolving around me, and now revolves around these little ones. Its their turn now. On one hand I'm thrilled to be a part of my children's lives: helping them discover who God wants them to be. On the other hand I wonder -have I discovered that for myself yet? The stage lights have faded, the applause has died down, and I'm standing in the shadows thinking, "Wait. What is my purpose on this earth?" If it is to be a mom then why am I not a fantastic mom? Why do I lose my patience? Why can't I be like my mom or Keenan's? Maybe its because they have never desired the spotlight. Our mother's have been satisfied to be in the background and remain the backbone of the family.

So where do I go from here? How do I use this revelation to be a better mom? How do I get "un-selfish"? I guess I'll have to wait and see. uh oh-I'm not good at that either.

Blessings

So by now you already know how God has blessed me recently...we are expecting baby #2!! We are so excited about this miracle. We know it was a direct blessing from God-Him loving us in a tangible way. And we are beyond thankful. He didn't have to bless us- I don't believe in a vending maching God: you throw up a prayer-he answers, you listen and obey-he gives you a blessing. God didn't deepen my faith by blessing us with this baby-he just chose to love me that way-and it makes me smile.

The biggest way that God has blessed me in my adult life is with friends. I have more friends today than I ever had growing up in highschool or college. Not just people I know on a first name basis-I have friends who love me and who are on the journey with me-to fight for my heart. If you don't have friends like that you are missing out on a key componenet to life-connection. We were meant to do life together-not in isolation. Real friends know the real you and love the real you. The obvious first step to making friends like this is to BE the real you-which can be hard for a lot of people. When you get there it is exhilirating...freeing... easy.

I had lunch with a friend the other day who told me that God spoke to her about me. He told her that He is in the business of healing-restoring-just like he healed my womb. :) She was as excited to share that with me as I was to hear it. Do you have friend like that? If you don't-it is my prayer that you will. There was God loving me again. I can't help but smile (and tear up a bit).

As complicated as I have tried to make life, I am finally understanding that the answer to the universe (if you will) is simple. L-O-V-E. Thats it. We love because he first loved us. He continues to love us so we will have the capacity to love. When we love our hearts are mysteriously filled with more love. Yeah I might sound like I need drive an old beetle, smoke some ganja and throw up a peace sign every now and then-but I'm serious. We have been called to love. One commandment. Its not that complicated. I am so thankful that God is still loving me in tangible and in unseen ways.

I'm feelin' the love. :)

Make Yourself Necessary

So seriously this past month has probably been the best month of my life. I know- its a pretty bold statement, but I really can't think of a time in my life when I was happier. Its not all about quitting drinking (see previous posts) but I do think that that decision propelled me into clarity. First of all I believe with all my heart that God has blessed every part of my life since that one act of obedience June 8th of this year. I am living guilt-free. There is nothing in my life that I am shameful for, or embarassed of. There is not part of my story that I woudn't share with the world. I feel plugged into life. More like clocked-in really. I wake up each day ready for any job God wants me to do. Whether its calling a friend, investing in a family member or just performing the perfunctory duties of being a mom and housewife-I'm ready. And I do it gladly, joyfully, thankfully.

Every day I feel like my world (Bonnie's world) gets smaller and smaller, yet somehow more and more significant. I saw the greatest t-shirt while running the Peachtree Road Race this year-On the back it said "Make Yourself Necessary". I like that. Make yourself necessary-to your family, to your friends, to your world. What are you doing to make yourself necessary? What are you doing thats important? What is important to you? I know that the things that were important to me 10 years ago are pretty unimportant to me now. I like who I am becoming. The first part of my life has been a process of elimination-figuring out things I don't like-stopping things. The rest will be about choosing things. Choosing to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodnesss, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When those things shape your life-you are alive and very necessary.

Self-Delusion

Well I guess I set myself up for this one (see last post). I've felt like I was on the verge of something... This has been a very interesting couple of days.

Long story short: I am an alcoholic.

See?? The word doesn't sit well with me either! and trust me, its just as hard to write it as say it out loud. After many self-assessment quizzes online (yes I am that dork) I couldn't find ONE to tell me what I wanted to hear. That I was ok: a self-controlled, fun-loving social drinker. I watch Intervention-THOSE people are alcoholics. Then I found a site that talks about 5 different types of alcoholics: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/alcohol-abuse/news/20070629/5-alcoholic-types-in-alcoholism-study It turns out fit a couple of those categories. The people on TV fit just the one "chronic severe" category. wow.

So how did I come to this conclusion? Or better yet how did this conversation even start? Well, my husband and I have had this particular conversation many times actually. He fits in the same alcoholic categories that I do and conveniently we enable eachother. The weird part is that we can go days, weeks and even months without drinking so we've never considered the label alcoholic for ourselves. Alcoholics drink every day and can't stop. They lose friends, jobs and end up homeless. That is certainly not us. We are responsible, hard-working and show no outward appearance of an inward malfunction. But this is where we've deluded ourselves. If the TRUTH were told we would both admit that many if not most our marital and personal struggles stem from a problem with alcohol.

Here is where the self-delusion sets in. If you knew us (and maybe you did) when we first got together over ten years ago you would know just how far we have come. God has truly blessed us and saved us from ourselves many times. Together we've grown spiritually and emotionally. When we met we were both so lost and far from God. Slowly and simultaneously God has changed our hearts. We are completely different people now, but miraculously we have stayed in love. So when I play the comparison game with my younger self I am delusioned to think that I am a good person with little else to work on. ha.

So back to where it began...this weekend after a phenomenal message on "Illusions" Keenan asked me if I thought God was asking me to stop drinking. (This is the same guy that introduced me to drugs and alcohol over ten years ago!!) Knowing that God has blessed my husband with the annoying gift of exhortation, and that as his wife I am submitted to him and his authority I thanked him for his wisdom and agreed to not ever drink again. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. I became furious! My reaction startled both of us. Don't bring God into this!! This is my non-issue. I like drinking. I have it under control. I can stop whenever I want. I'm not ready to stop." I didn't answer the question. Do I think God is asking me to stop drinking? "Perhaps now I do!!" Dammit Keenan. It wasn't until later when I realized just why I was so upset. I understand fully what it means to suffer the consequences of disobedience. I have suffered emotionally AND physically from blatantly disregarding the voice of God (some call it a conscience I call it The Spirit). To make things worse, the suffering I have endured was brought about by substance abuse. This situation is crazily similar except that I am slightly wiser now from the hard lesson learned. No wonder I'm mad! I have to stop drinking. It could turn into a serious problem or worse- a serious lesson from God.

So why does the task at hand seem so daunting? I've always envied people who don't drink, "Good for them. I could NEVER do that". But why? What is in me that wants to protect my right to drink? What am I escaping from? hiding? stifling? I honestly don't know. All I can do now is obey. Maybe through the Bible, friends, therapy and time I 'll figure it out. And then I'll blog about it. :)

I've prayed for a long time for God to take away any desire in me for alcohol because (here's the answer to the original question) He has asked me to stop. And then my husband reminded me that there is a difference between asking God to take something and laying it The Cross. One is passive and one is active. He is requiring my action. My decision. My surrender. My move. Here goes...

-Alcoholic (No Longer)Anonymous

What is it about myself that makes me quit while I'm ahead? I'm on the verge of something good and then I self-sabotage. I have great ideas, but rarely any follow through. I feel like Mitch Hedberg when he said, "I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."

I subconsciously convince myself that my idea isn't a good one, or I can't do it. Why is that?? It disgusts me. Am I lazy? Is it an attack? Lately I've felt that is is the latter. I feel like when I'm doing well and in God's will I suddenly become fearful. Anxious. Worried. I've been taught that these feelings are not from God. So maybe I am being attacked...

I guess admitting it is half the battle right? "Hi. My name is Bonnie and I am addicted to anxiety." I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I've come a long way already for those of you who know my story. I come from a legacy of highly talented and tormented individuals. I know I have a lot to offer. My soul aches with desire to love recklessly, give abundantly and make the world better. At least my world anyway.

I am very aware that my time on this earth is temporary and not about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting God's time. I'm thirty years old and I haven't done anything BIG. Then I am reminded that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was thirty. And then it ended when he was thirty-three. Even Jesus needed prep time. Maybe God doesn't care how long it takes us to "get it" before we "get going" on what he's called us to do. hmmm.

I feel like I'm on verge of something...